Sópranós Íslands: Part I Testósterón

We cut to Suðurgata. It is an overcast and quiet May morning, with light dirzzle in Reykjavík. A group of people are taking a smoking break in the backyard of Fréttablaðið. Tóti Soprano, the boss, is holding court with his crew and associates: Sils, Gumms, Biggs, Mamms and Eirs. The group is huddled around Tóti Soprano who is smoking a big cigar. The others are smoking cigarettes, except for Biggs who is seen dropping crank. It´s been five months since Tóti Soprano was diagnosed with prostate cancer and he has recovered from bilateral orchiectomy performed at FSA in the north of Iceland.

TÓTI SOPRANO: We have a fucking problem at my webpage. Some shithead is impersonating me.

MAMMS: Yeah, I heard, he was saying you gay boss…

TÓTI SOPRANO: Shut up, you idiot, no reason to go into details here. We got to take care of the situation.

SILS: Boss, want us to whack the guy? You have his IP address?

TÓTI SOPRANO: Of course I have his IP address. I know every fucking creep that shows up on my web page. But we can´t whack the guy; the Jakobsson family will find out and announce it right there on www.murinn.is. I don´t need any trouble from that outfit right now. The administration´s not going to like it if I give don Ármann the opportunity to have me pinched. We got to find other ways to scare the little fucker.

GUMMS: What about clipping the guy by having Jakob Bjarnar write a libelous story about him?

TÓTI SOPRANO: You little pussy…scare a guy with a story! Are you gay or something? Even my wife had a better idea than that; send the guy to some support group or something.

BIGGS: Well, I have an idea for a mock execution…

TÓTI SOPRANO: Yeah, how…

BIGGS: Let´s take the jerk out to the edge of Reykjanes peninsula and have Gumms play the accordion for him. That should scare cock sucker shitless for sure.

TÓTI SOPRANO (laughing nervously): Good idea, but I want to go short of killing the guy.

EIRs: Boss, but I could screw the guy´s wife. That will teach him a lesson.

TÓTI SOPRANO: You idiot, the guy is gay. You wanna put your snake up his boyfriend´s sewer system?

(There is uncomfortable silence when everyone seems to run out of ideas)

TÓTI SOPRANO: Oh, I know, why didn´t I think of this before. I am going to threaten the guy; he is never impersonating me again. This is fucking brilliant.

GUMMS AND SILS (in unison): What you going to do, boss?

TÓTI SOPRANO (smiling menacingly, as he walks towards his computer to post his message): I am going to threaten the guy with suicide!!

SILS, GUMMS, BIGGS, MAMMS AND EIRS (in unison): What? Threaten the guy with a suicide?

BIGGS (to himself): Either the boss´ gone soft or stupid.

Meanwhile we cut to an apartment on the West side of Reykjavík. Anna Soprano is staying home for the day to clean the apartment, work on her web page and to take a long shower. The Soprano children, Doddi and Jóhanna, have been sent off to school and Anna Soprano is alone at home. Romanza with Andrea Bocelli is on the disc player and Bocelli´s sound is filling the whole apartment. Anna Soprano is doing the dishes and singing along at the top of her voice:

“Time to say goodbye.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso si li vivrò,
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più.
It’s time to say goodbye…”

The phone rings and Anna lowers the music and starts speaking on the phone.

ANNA SOPRANO: Hi mom. It is so nice to hear your voice.

ANNA SOPRANO: Oh, yeah, Tóti is very upset about it. The guy is impersonating him and making it look like he has been with another guy.

ANNA SOPRANO: You know, this Stebbi guy from Akureyri. He is one of Blöndal´s foot soldiers. It´s real disrespect for Tóti.

ANNA SOPRANO: Yeah, that is the strange thing. He said he is going to threaten the guy with a suicide.

ANNA SOPRANO: I totally agree mom, the guy is just going to laugh.

ANNA SOPRANO: Well, I don’t know what has happened to him. It all started after his orchiectomy. Maybe it has started to affect his mind. He has become so soft.

ANNA SOPRANO: But, mom, please, you cannot mention this to anyone. Tóti will divorce me so fast if he finds out I told you, but it is true he is just not getting it up anymore.

ANNA SOPRANO: Yeah, he has an appointment with Dr. Ruth tomorrow morning. I am going to ask her putting Tóti on testosterone shots. Prostate cancer or no prostate cancer – I don´t care. This situation is driving me crazy.